Friday, October 9, 2009


Warning: Kinda heavy, and not that interesting, this is me trying to work out what I am thinking about.

Faith in something is difficult. For me, it's contrary to nearly every fiber of my being, and is against all of my instincts and reactions.

Yet for some reason I have been drawn to the Church of Jesus Christ Ladder-Day Saints.

I have been meeting with missionaries over the last couple of weeks, but I still don't have faith in the existence of Heavenly Father. It's so frustrating because everything they say sounds so wonderful, and makes sense to me. Makes sense if I believed in God, that is.

I grew up not believing in anything. Once we died I knew that was it. To me, that wasn't a bad thing or a good thing- it was what it was. I wasn't curious or questioning what I believed in, but always wondered why so many people had such great faith and confidence in God, while I had no idea how to grasp exactly how they could. The idea seems so fictitious and foreign to me.

I've been pondering the existence of God for about a month now, I don't know why or how it began as I wasn't searching for any answers, had nothing in my life that driven me to question my beliefs.

Yesterday and today the missionaries have asked me if I want to set a date for a baptism, and I said no both times. I don't want to feel pressured to say yes, and I hope that all these feelings aren't just my projections of wanting to believe. Also, I tend to get obsessed and really into things, only to a month or two later, become completely not interested. And I realize that religion is much more important than some phase so I really want to make sure that *I* know in my heart that everything is true and that I don't have any doubts.

I am so all over the place that twice this week I pretty much concluded in my mind that there is no way I can believe in a God, that it just doesn't work for me. One of those moments is now, if you can't tell. I almost started crying twice in the meeting with the missionaries today. I just felt sad and overwhelmed, and like I would be letting people down if I didn't convert.

I know I shouldn't feel pressured, but I can't help wondering if I am seeking for approval from them because I admire them so much, that I am tricking myself into thinking that I believe.

Anyways, I guess I just have to think and pray about it...

and reading some scripture would probably be a good idea


  1. Already I can tell you are such a beautiful individual just from your blog.
    This post especially touched me. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I am so happy that the missionaries found you and have been teaching you. Faith is a difficult concept, but it really comes through faith and prayer and, a need to know who you are and why you are here on this earth. When I think about that, there is no doubt in my mind that God is real and that he is there and loves me. Sorry this is so long, but I would love to share more with you if you would like.

    Otherwise, your blog is so cute! I am so excited for future posts about things that matter. Lovely.

  2. I wrote you a letter, that I would be way to big of a cheeseball to post here. Mind if I get your email?

    thanks cousin :)

  3. Michelle,
    I am also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I grew up in an LDS family, so I can't imagine the situation you are in. But, in the past 3 years I have gained my own understanding of the Book of Mormon and the church. It is a lot to take in, I understand that much. But, it is also the reason for my happiness every day. If you ever have any questions or want to talk, I would love to. :)

    Thanks for posting on my blog! :)


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