Warning: Kinda heavy, and not that interesting, this is me trying to work out what I am thinking about.
Faith in something is difficult. For me, it's contrary to nearly every fiber of my being, and is against all of my instincts and reactions.
Yet for some reason I have been drawn to the Church of Jesus Christ Ladder-Day Saints.
I have been meeting with missionaries over the last couple of weeks, but I still don't have faith in the existence of Heavenly Father. It's so frustrating because everything they say sounds so wonderful, and makes sense to me. Makes sense if I believed in God, that is.
I grew up not believing in anything. Once we died I knew that was it. To me, that wasn't a bad thing or a good thing- it was what it was. I wasn't curious or questioning what I believed in, but always wondered why so many people had such great faith and confidence in God, while I had no idea how to grasp exactly how they could. The idea seems so fictitious and foreign to me.
I've been pondering the existence of God for about a month now, I don't know why or how it began as I wasn't searching for any answers, had nothing in my life that driven me to question my beliefs.
Yesterday and today the missionaries have asked me if I want to set a date for a baptism, and I said no both times. I don't want to feel pressured to say yes, and I hope that all these feelings aren't just my projections of wanting to believe. Also, I tend to get obsessed and really into things, only to a month or two later, become completely not interested. And I realize that religion is much more important than some phase so I really want to make sure that *I* know in my heart that everything is true and that I don't have any doubts.
I am so all over the place that twice this week I pretty much concluded in my mind that there is no way I can believe in a God, that it just doesn't work for me. One of those moments is now, if you can't tell. I almost started crying twice in the meeting with the missionaries today. I just felt sad and overwhelmed, and like I would be letting people down if I didn't convert.
I know I shouldn't feel pressured, but I can't help wondering if I am seeking for approval from them because I admire them so much, that I am tricking myself into thinking that I believe.
Anyways, I guess I just have to think and pray about it...
and reading some scripture would probably be a good idea